I felt as though I was supposed to write something to you today. I don't know how to start this, other than to say that the pattern continues. We have talked about this in part before, but truthfully, I am still unsure as to why this seems to be happening to me and me only. I seem to be the only one in the group encountering heavy resistance in almost every single thing that I do. Whether I am trying to send an e-mail, transfer a file into the site, or work thru a 23 hour workday, I continually encounter resistance. The resistance manifests in the form of heaviness, sleepiness, difficulty concentrating and focusing on what I am trying to do, a sudden desire not to want to do whatever I am trying to do, and in the form of numerous distractions and temptations just to name a few. No matter the form, the resistance always seems to come. I am not sending this to you to cry about it, this is how things are (for whatever reason) and crying about it won't change that. However, the only thing that I can say is that the only way that I can seem to fight these constant attacks off is by staying focused, totally focused, on what I am supposed to be doing. I am able to recognize the joy of the LORD, but when I go along with it, and am happy and cheery, my ability to fight through the resistance seems to drop off and I get shut down shortly thereafter. Instead, when I fight off the happiness and wallow in the frustration and anger that is still inside me because of how much I dislike, deplore, hate much of my situation, it helps me to stay focused, work harder and fight thru the attacks. I know that it sounds crazy, but I work better when I am mad and frustrated because I essentially discard much of my concerns for anybody or anything else making it easier to focus on work. The obvious downside is that I am not very pleasant to be around when I am in this frame of mind and my temper flares up very, very easily. This, however, keeps me on edge and right now, I am more concerned with getting done with what I am supposed to be getting down, forget about being bubbly and happy.
 
    ...So that is pretty much it. In the process of writing this I talked to Cory for about an hour and shared with him details about the big hurdle I had to jump last week and many other things. Even from doing that, I can feel that my focus and intensity has dropped off quite a bit and much of my frustration has diminished. I have known for sometime that when I open up and talk to you, Cory, or anybody about my situation, the level of frustration and anger diminishes, making it harder to use as motivation, and this is another reason why I tend to clam up and not talk during our meetings or communicate personal stuff to Cory on the phone or thru e-mail. I don't know why I was supposed to write all of this; maybe it will serve some purpose.

The LORD revealed a few points to help Alex in particular, but also Cory, in the fight that Alex is going thru. Alex has been fighting satan concerning the work using somewhat flesh emotions to keep him motivated.
 
Cory already knows satan has been attacking Alex's work, but now GOD has given me a little more understanding into Alex's heart thru reading Alex's writing from Aug 21st.
 
A bigger fight for Alex is now to start as GOD teaches Alex how to love.
 
Satan has kept Alex closed-lipped as his power diminishes when he loves i.e. sharing with others [communicating] and receives info from others about their problems. Alex has been reluctant to have open communication because he felt his own burdens were a sufficient load for him to carry.
 
GOD is absolutely making clearer and clearer Gal6:2 is what Alex is now moving into "bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ." [thru love, as love fulfills the law].
 
The Jn15 level must live that life of giving to the utmost [Gal6:2] that they learn to be spent for others, and only by doing this can they grow into 2Cor12:15 "and I will very gladly spend and be spent for your souls; tho the more abundantly I love you, the less I am loved" which is the true copy of the Paul-type walk of the father in Christ Rom8:29 1Cor4:15 1Jn2.
 
GOD further explained that He alone can grow Alex into agape love Eph3:17b-19a "the love of Christ which passes knowledge." Meaning, very simply, the agape level love of GOD expressed thru the Jn15 level is beyond man's comprehension, it can never be explained with words, it is an incredibly deep spiritual force, it is the true essence of GOD, it is totally outside our emotion as human beings. Emotions are carnal, and essentially, have no place inside GOD. Jn17 talks about a spiritual oneness with GOD.
 
As GOD grows His love thru Alex into the agape level, GOD will also be killing Alex's anger because the anger is a carnal, flesh emotion that cannot abide in or with a holy GOD.
 
 
 

Wednesday, Sept 4 '02   GOD's love power flows thru us more and more or greater and greater as we obey His commands by belief-faith, ever resisting satan's soft way, ever growing into Him, then growing into His hard way, His fullness or father level Eph3:19b; 4:13d.